IN EVERY STEP, IN EVERY MOMENT. IN EVERY DAY. I MISS YOU, MY BROTHER!

It's been a long while since I last updated the blog, and what better day then to (re)start doing so. What better day... Ironically, this better day is probably my most messed up day.

I came across this particular quote on the net, "If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again..."

I think I should hate you. 

I hate you for leaving your family broken with holes they may never fill. 

I hate you for having 大姐's heart broken and smashed to a million pieces, never to be healed again. 

I hate you for your little boy never got to see the light of day.

I hate the fact you selfishly left all your friends with nothing but a shadow of empty hope that you may one day walk through that door. 

Most importantly, I hate you for making me feel so empty and hollow, you are suppose to be my "brother", my buddy, MY BEST FRIEND! 

I should hate you, I really should.

But the truth is, I don't hate you. I simply can't.

For it was not your intention to leave us, your family and your friends. 

Yes life is not fair. 

Sometimes I wish on a wishing star that it was all nothing but a horrible nightmare. 

I wish a wish that will never come true. 

You aren't coming back. You never will. 

They say in time, the loss of someone will get easier. But they didn't say how long it will take. It has been 7 years... 7 long years. Yet with every passing year, the pain never seems to heal. With every passing year, the grief sticks on.

To be honest, I feel that I am blessed. I have had the opportunity and the honor to have many friends in my life, and to have a close group of friends by my side always. But you will forever remain my best friend. I just can't give that away to anyone else. No one can and no one should replace you. That's just the way I see it. I don't want to offend any one of my friends but that's the truth about me. I will never have any other best friend. I just can't.

I hide these tears, these emptiness, these broken-ness all inside. People shouldn't see it. That is locked in a memory so deep, it's privacy should be forever locked away from the world.

Perhaps I hold on to the grief not because I don't want to forget you (that I never will), nor is it because I am to weak to move on (I always do); instead I hold onto the grief because you taught me life. It was because of you and losing you that made me who I am today.

1. You always have a choice, no matter what
2. Never regret the choices that seem wrong, learn and become better
3. Never give up the fight, there is always a chance no matter how small or hopeless a situation may be
4. Loyalty.
5. Do ever be afraid.

I am who I am today because of you. You say I should never follow in your footsteps. I am sorry but I did. The good and the bad. Heroes aren't perfect, they are after all human. That's who you are and that's who I became.

I wish you were here still. Every time I get into a little trouble, I wish you were here to listen. I wish you were still here to guide me, to tell me off whenever I get out of line, to share my disappointments and my achievements. But the reality is you aren't. I have long accepted that fact. You are never coming back.

It was fate that you end your life young and took you away from us all. And perhaps till that day when fate comes knocking on my door, be it sooner or later, I will join you someday.

P. Diddy, F. Evans and Sting "I'll Be Missing You"